Anatomy of Change

The shift was long in happening. There were many nights along the bridge with my fist upheld to the sky. “Why are you making it so hard to find the next step?” I cursed.

“Relax, give us a little time,” the gods said.

I held on to the ficklest of faiths as one foot sought landing while the other lifted off the rock that was my life in Bynum and at The Sun.

For some reason I had to live in that reaching. And it hurt! Dark stories plummeted toward me: economic insecurity, depression, crises of self-worth. I convinced myself I was walking the right path, and yet the road was blocked.

I considered the purpose of suffering. The fear of ending one job and not knowing the next  made me taste a sliver of the financial fear so many live with every day. Instead of cursing my suffering could I see it as opening to a broader understanding of what suffering actually is?

And the depression: situational, not chronic. I am lucky like that. Still, the symptoms were there: Why get up? Numb my free time. Shudder at the shiver that crept up the back of my neck whispering, “This is it?” Around me, people struggling regularly with the darkness. They live in the pool while I normally dance around it, serving them snacks and cocktails but never stepping in. I’ve always known that when the wind finally blows the doors open, satisfaction sidles up.

Could the blues in my bones be welcomed because of the wider compassion I gain?

And then the doors did open: the job, back in Oakland. The road unwound before my eyes. As I drove down the hills, the bay in front of me, tears of gratitude dripped down a face that was smiling. And my dogged faith that the time it took had divine purpose was not in vain.

6 thoughts on “Anatomy of Change

  1. what a journey, brother. And maybe each of us humans can relate in our own way, in some way or ways. Welcome home…

  2. Now, see, this is how to get through a tough time. Well done, Tim, I’ll remember your ideas next time depression comes lurking around. Congrats on the new gig — who what when and where? xo, Gillian

  3. Beautiful. The courage it takes a person to hold steady to their dreams is profound. It’s the true grit we are asked to dig deep for, and you came up with a robust serving. I never doubted for a moment that you would be returning to the Bay and soon. No level of reassurance can lift a person from the dark underbelly of uncertainty that you just emerged from – victorious, and more evolved. Yay YOU!

  4. Congrats, Tim. I’ll be cheering you on in your next stage of your journey, at North Atlantic Books. I’m trying to find my way back to the Bay Area, too, so maybe we’ll meet again soon.

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