Wondering about Tonight

I wonder sometimes if modern communication has alienated me. I have leftover goodness that doesn’t know where to go. But then I take stock: my son is beautiful and thriving, my love and I are solid, I sit all right on life’s saddle. And so I count my blessings. Last night my friend told me of “cuddle puddles” she found at some weekend festival and how liberating it felt to be affectionate and warm with like-minded people: safe-space freedom. I reckon it’s possible to build that all around and on a multitude of dimensions.

Humid as Hades here. The crickets and cicadas are singing, I’ve got two dogs in the house. Rio is talking downstairs about some character. Annie is out with girlfriends, and I’m finding a sweet spot in a rough patch.

Kali sometimes she has her way. But she also prepared me by breaking me, opening up a new alleyway that wasn’t there before. A portal in the rubble. Some way out, or in, or both. So even though there’s been chaos amid the change, I enter there. Rather than curse the sky I bring my hand to my heart, take a step, and on the bridge with the river below and the fireflies flickering I see that my world, with its blessings and its cursings, its exquisiteness and wretchedness, is only met by the wider world’s version of the same. Our narcissism is laughable because the plight is so widely shared; the individual sob story is in truth a universal transformational one. I wish there was a better word for transformational but I haven’t found it yet.

I can wait for a rescue or instead see that my mustang is something I can ride even while feeling like I’m falling off. The mane of life is reachable, and when I sit with acceptance of wildness I find myself more agile with its intemperance. “Flow like the river,” we tell Rio when he gets caught on the rocks. This could be a cliche except that a river is ever changing, second by second, so any assumption about what a river  is is contradicted a moment later. Life like water moves through rapids and stagnation, at times a muddy sluggard and then suddenly a clear agent. It’s tempting to use cheap tricks to bring existence back to some neutral point, neither ecstatic nor despondent, but really what’s so hard about being joyful? I understand the difficult part but not why we make the easy part hard — fear sometimes shows up even among goodness and steals the beauty away. I don’t understand this and probably never will.

But I am also not entranced by it. At times I can fold that up into a tiny paper football that my finger boots out the door.

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